People typically cycle through their friends every 5 years

A few years ago, I used to feel really guilty about losing touch with my close friends. So many people have friends from University or even Grade School, and some of mine, who were once close to me, barely lasted 3 or 4 years.

I was complaining to a friend, and he told me,

“Yeah, you don’t know? It’s natural to kinda cycle through your friends once every 5-ish years or something.”

He took comfort in that, and I took comfort in him taking comfort in that. Stats without a fact check, though, can be dangerous. But in this case, I took it as a harmless self-soothe (lol).

But today, I did Google it. I’ve been thinking about eventually moving to New York City, and how excited (and a little overwhelmed) I am at the prospect of manually flipping my close-proximity friend group. And I thought again about finding that stat.

I couldn’t find research about “5 years” in particular (rats). But I did keep seeing links about “if your friends last 7+ years, they’ll last a lifetime” discourse that was making its rounds like 10 years ago.

I also found a few articles about how it’s natural to have your friendships cycle through every few years. They didn’t give a concrete time for when that tends to happen, and after thinking about that for roughly 3 seconds, I realized that that probably makes sense. There is no set timeline for when your friends come and go. It’s circumstantial… for the most part.

Here are a few examples I can think of where I’ve had a friend cycle in and out (names have been changed)

The schoolyard flip:

Piper and I were really close in elementary school. We had a lot of sleepovers, played video games into the night, drew anime characters, and one time we went to 711 and bought hundreds of Pixie Sticks and ate them until our tongues bled.

Midway through junior high and leading into high school, we started drifting apart. I got more serious about dance classes, I had to get a part-time job, and my priorities shifted. I also don’t think we were in many classes together that first year of high school, so the lack of proximity also allowed our best-friend friendship to slip through the cracks. Also, nobody had a cellphone around that time, so the internet couldn’t keep us tight (I am OLD).

We follow each other on social media (weird, I know), but we haven’t spoken. She looks happy, and that makes me happy!

The ex-hobbyist:

Steve and I were best buds at the dance studio we trained at. He was a teacher, and I was a student, and then a teacher. We’d hang out at restaurants, or stay late at the studio and choreograph together, and we were generally pretty close.

When I got too old to compete, and teaching wasn’t panning out for me financially, I slowly left the competitive dance world. It was another kind of forced proximity bestie situation, and while we made natural friends, we were both too busy to keep that up outside of the places we would both frequent. He’s still doing well, I believe, and I’m glad for it.

The clean break:

This one’s tricky because it’s kind of circumstantial, but it certainly wasn’t a slow fade.

Kristin and I were friends for only about a year, but we became close quickly. We hung out a few times a week, called each other on the phone, went to the same parties, and sent memes and reels daily.

One day, Kristin told me that I wasn’t pulling my weight in the friendship, and I needed to ask her to hang out more. I was a little taken aback because I saw her so often, and we frequented the same circles, and I hadn’t given it a second thought. I don’t miss people easily, and I’m not a very “need to hang out with you often in person” kind of girl. Kristin wanted equal effort and a more rigid who-does-what type of friendship. And while I was appreciative of that, it caused me stress to try to keep up with.

But Kristin was kind of scary to fight with. I had seen her be sort of mean in some cases, and she was obsessed with being “right.” So I told her I’d work on it. I asked her to hang out a few times that month, but my friendship performance wasn’t cutting it, and she was increasingly upset with me. Ultimately, I couldn’t handle the expectations, so I told her that I didn’t think we were compatible for BFF-dom.

I’m sure it’s never fun to hear that your best friend is downgrading you to an average friend. But I felt like I had no other choice. She cut the friendship completely. And I wish her well, but I can’t say I miss Kristin, really. Sometimes, you grow apart slowly, and other times, it’s a defined break. And that’s okay.

There are a million and one more reasons you might grow apart from your friends.

Maybe you work trauma-bonded with them, but neither of you is at that job anymore. Maybe they were a friend of someone you were dating, and you broke up. Maybe they stopped being friends with you because they realized you weren’t gonna sleep with them (sigh).

But whatever it is, you don’t need to force them to stay. The ones who grow with you naturally will, regardless of the distance, too. Thanks, internet.

And now I ask you, reader.

Do you feel guilty when you lose touch with a friend? When was the last time you made the effort to reach out? Do you ever feel like you gave up too soon?

Let me know. And hey, thanks for sticking around :)